I'd be the LAST to suggest that I'd have the final word!

Kissing and smooching...long as nobody is pregnant...we're winning.

Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Chaos, mayhem, disorder...my work here is done

Newsflash -- Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

"I do not feel obliged to believe that same God who endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect, had intended for us to forgo their use."
– Galileo

"Some people say great power gives great responsibility. This is nonsense.
'Responsibility' means you have to take the blame for your own mistakes.
'Power' means you can make someone else take the blame for your mistakes."
-- Cerebus the Aardwark

"The man who called it Neer Beer was a poor judge of distance." –Will Rogers

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Heraldry, beer, and sex: what more does one need? - Rolland Carr

When Santa brings presents to pirates, does he laugh, "Yo ho ho"?

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes

All generalizations are false

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

Just give me the chocolate and no one will get hurt!

Who, me? I'm just a harmless old grandmother
-- really!

"I have a mind like a lint trap: it attracts and keeps all sorts of stuff, but I have no idea where any of it came from."

7 days without chocolate makes one weak.

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking as we used when we created them"
-- Albert Einstein

"When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl."

"Only two things are infinite -- the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe."
- Albert Einstein

There are many intelligent life forms in the galaxy. They are all owned by cats.

He who plants thorns must never expect to gather roses.

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass to keep from falling off the world.

Those who fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

"Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment."
-Mark Twain

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

"There's a hole in the Becket, King Henry, King Henry
there's a hole in the Becket, King Henry, a hole!"
-Duchess Vanna

How far you go in life is determined by how tender you are with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with those striving, and tolerant with the weak and strong, because some day in life you will have been all of them.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

I anticipate the Day when to command Respect in the remotest Regions it will be sufficient to say I am an American.
--- Benjamin Rush, 1800

They got the library at Alexandria, but they're not getting mine!

“How to survive on a calendar: Eat the Dates and drink from the Spring”

"English doesn't borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over, and goes through their pockets for loose grammar."
--- Unknown

I'm telling you, high speed internet access and a little curiosity can be a dangerous thing.
-- Jerrine Bergman

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