Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.

This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.

The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Do unto others.

24 Things I Have Learned:

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

A penny saved is worthless.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now when the Earth is hurtling toward the sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Nobody is normal.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:

* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings"

The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the advertisement says: "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.

The same principle used for advertising products seem to apply to political advertising as well. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as: "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver His message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it way too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Your friends love you anyway.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and DANCE!

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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest

More Questions that Make You Go Hmmmmm...

When you see a mime fighting those heavy winds, do you ever wonder why he doesn't just get back into his imaginary box?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

Is it illegal to run into a crowded fire and yell "Theater!?"

when your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpet?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

Does a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?

Is it possible that "Memorex is the name of an all-mime band and those tapes aren't blank- after all?

Is there another word for "synonym?"

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?

If so, how could you treat them?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

How do you let someone know you've just painted a wet paint sign?

Why did they make the word 'dyslexia' so hard to read?

When two funeral processions meet at an intersection, how do they decide who has the right of way?

Do police sketch artists start out as those guys who outline dead bodies?

Why don't they just make food stamps edible?

To compliment the vest why not some nice bullet-proof slacks?

Should crematoriums give discounts for bum victims?

Is an empty beanbag chair still a chair, or just a giant beanbag?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek-, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints..... is that considered racism?

If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause'

Could it be that so many deer get hit on the intestates because they're. -simply obeying the posted deer crossing signs?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Okay, so sticks and stones may break your bones but names can never hurt you. What if someone carved a name in a stone and then threw it at you?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" ' in it?

Wouldn't it be smarter to label "top secret" documents something less conspicuous like trivial information which would only bore you to tears"?

If a farmer forgets to shut one of his barn doors, should you tell him his zippers open?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?

How many people thought of the Post-it note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

Do you ever get tired of sleeping?

If you were to accidentally eat fake fruit when you threw up would it be that wacky fake vomit?

If a dwarf convict escapes from prison, is he still considered 'at large'?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold?

What is the speed of dark?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?