I love the United States. I never miss an episode. - Eric TF Bat 2005

Dreams come true.
Not free.

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
--George Burns

"As God is my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly". -Mr Carlson WKRP

Cat haiku of the day:
You're tying your shoes.
I'm only trying to help.
Can't you be grateful?

"It's never the end of the world. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
- Charles M. Schultz

Question of the Week: If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

The friendliest cat? Why, that's the one with the worst breath!

Cat haiku of the day:
Someone broke a vase.
I hope you don't think I did.
Must have been the dog.

The kids drink so much around here that alcohol is considered an inhalent. -DG

I contend that we are both atheists -- I just believe in one fewer god than you. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
- Stephen F. Roberts

"Duty is the sublimest word in our language. Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more, you should never wish to do less."
Robert E. Lee

Christians often go their whole lives without doubting the childhood stories of Santa Claus or his older brother Jesus, despite ample empirical evidence that praying for a pony does not work.
~ Roedy Green

Beware the man of one book.
-- St. Thomas Aquinas

Is it not better to place a question mark upon a problem while seeking an answer than to put the label God there and consider the matter closed?
~ Joseph Lewis (1889-1968)

Idaho, where the fun never stops
but is sometimes hard to recognize.

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
-Rodney Dangerfield

Cat haiku of the day:
Noise from the basement.
I stretch long and try to see.
Might be a monster.

"Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it."
- Tallulah Bankhead

Cat haiku of the day:
Why am I always
on the wrong side of the door?
Hey! Let me in there!

vita sine literis mors est

"Sports do not build character. They reveal it." - Heywood Broun

"Never build a dungeon you wouldn't be happy to spend the night in yourself. The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that."
-The Patrician -Guards, Guards by Terry Pratchett

"Never trust any ruler who puts his faith in tunnels and bunkers and esape routes. The chances are that his heart isn't in the job."
-The Patrician -Guards, Guards by Terry Pratchett

"Do you want to live forever?" -Constable Carrot
"Dunno. Ask me again in five hundred years." -Sgt. Colon

It occurred to him that, while of course what humans chose to do to one another was all one to him, there were certain activities that should be curtailed in case the perpetrators got over-confident and started doing things like that to books, too.
-The Librarian

Cat haiku of the day:
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.

Cat haiku of the day:
What's that? A baby?!?
Oh, no, I know what that is.
It's a tail-puller!

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year!

And we had to walk, uphill, through the snow, both ways, battling mosquitoes and tigers.

Good friends are like stars...
You don't always see them, but you always know they're there.

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship."
-Sharon Stone

"The truth isn't easily pinned to a page. In the bathtub of history the truth is harder to hold than the soap, and much more difficult to find."
-Terry Pratchett Sourcery

It's twenty-five marches to Narbo,
It's forty-five more up the Rhone,
And the end may be death in the heather
Or life on an Emperor's throne.
But whether the Eagles obey us,
Or we go to the Ravens--alone,
I'd sooner be Lalage's lover
Than sit on an Emperor's throne!
- Rimini
Rudyard Kipling

Cat haiku of the day:
Far off, cat spots bird
Careful steps, intense focus
Don't let bird escape

I think I used a bandsaw once, and I seem to remember that I was less interested in actually building something and more in playing "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die" in my head. Until I realized that I could cut squiggles, and switched to making a jigsaw puzzle you could assemble into a picture of wood. After about two minutes I was ready to move on.

"What if the schools got all the money they needed and the Air Force had to hold a bake sale to build a bomber?"

Of all the religions in the world, they cannot all be right. The question remains, "Can they all be wrong?".
- Anon.

"Those who would trade liberty in exchange for some degree of security end up with neither liberty, nor security."
-Benjamin Franklin

Cat haiku of the day:
Please flush the commode.
I want to watch the water
going down the drain.

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady)

Cat haiku of the day:
I was all comfy
in the clean laundry basket
'til you made me leave!

This .sig temporarily out-of-order.
We apologise for any inconvenience
- The Management

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"No person among us desires any other reward for performing a brave and worthy action, but the consciousness ofhaving served his nation.
-Thayendanegea (Joseph Brant) of the Mohawktribes"

Cat haiku of the day:
I need a new toy.
tail of black dog keeps good time.
pounce! good dog! good dog!

The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote.
Knowledge is a three-edged sword.
We will meet in Red Three at the hour of scampering.
: Bat (Not The One) :

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. - Unknown

Cat haiku of the day:
It's five in the morn.
With purrs and whisker tickles,
I wake my humans.

Plagiarise, plagiarise, let noones work evade your eyes
Only please, to be calling it research
- Tom Lehrer

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
-Woody Allen

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-Jack Nicholson

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
-Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
-George Burns

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
-Oscar Wilde

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
-Jerry Seinfeld

Cat haiku of the day:
I only want you
to pay attention to me
when I want you to.

Cat haiku:
A moth in the air
is worth a chase through the house.
A snack at the end!

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
-Steve Martin

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen the mall.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The poor guy fell into a glass-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall".
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir . mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal

"...each deed you do, each act, binds you to itself and to its consequences, and makes you act again and yet again. Then very seldom do you come upon a space, a time like this, between act and act, when you may stop and simply be. Or wonder who, after all, you are." Ged - The Farthest Shore (Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin)

"But when we crave power over life- endless wealth, unassailable safety, immortality- then desire becomes greed. And if knowledge allies itself to that greed, then becomes evil. Then the balance of the world is swayed, and ruin weighs heavy in the scale." Ged - The Farthest Shore (Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin)

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire

"What if the future of mankind followed in your footsteps...
What kind of path would you leave?" K.Judge 2009

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