A special thanks for contributors from the SCA Heralds, especially Alanna, for much of the following.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Practice safe reenacting, use a kingdom!

Blazon: 2 women's breasts distilling drops of milk disrespectant improper!

Hey, you got a thrusting tip on that??!

Flax takes a beating. -DG

Viking: The Irish were the only people we had to show how to build cities, so we could come back to plunder them!

Press Gangs are breaking up those old wedding bells of mine… -DG

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

.It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

If we were the last two people on Earth… How would we know?

Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to flip 'em the bird!

Nervous Lute Player = Pre-Minstrel Tension?

Quod Excogitem Sum...I Am What I Can Imagine

"Little things are indeed little, but to be faithful in little things is a great thing." - Mother Teresa

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's tagline

To discover one knows nothing is the beginning of wisdom.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.

I KNEW IT! It's Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born as well as after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be. -Virgil

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

All mothers are working mothers.

All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win in this world is for enough good men to do nothing. (Edmund Burke)

All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today and yesterday.

Friends come and go. Enemies accumulate.

When ill luck falls asleep, let none wake her. - Italian

The greatest fool of all is the man who fools himself.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Happiness is a path, not a destination.

The heart that loves is always young. (Greek proverb)

There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and ONLY 8 WHO DO.

Even nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Vision is not seeing things as they are, but as they will be.

What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls the beginning.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. (Maori proverb)

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

He who seeks trouble never misses. - English - 17th century

If it wasn't unfair, you wouldn't know it was Life. Rosemary Edghill

A rumour goes in one ear and out many mouths. - Chinese

You cannot unscramble eggs.

He who slings mud loses ground.

They also serve who only lurk and pry. Dark Horde

Speak only the truth about people, and you have no need to whisper. - Duke Logan Blackwoulfe

It's better to be a dog in a peaceful time that be a man in a chaotic period. Chinese

May you live in interesting times and attract the attention of important people.

A book is like a garden carried in the pocket. Chinese proverb

To live alone one must be an animal or a god. Aristotle

To live alone one must be an animal or a god, says Aristotle. There is a third case. One must be both. Nietzsche

Moderation in all things, except Love and Justice. Martin C. Wilsey

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship. Louisa May Alcott

They can conquer who believe they can. Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the woods, we return to reason and faith. Ralph Waldo Emerson

You don't search for a bonfire with a lighted lantern. Unknown

Dictators ride to and fro on tigers they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry. Winston Churchill

The silent dog is first to bite.

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. Edgar Allen Poe

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a fork? Stansilaw J. Lec

I could be bounded in a nutshell and consider myself a King of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams. Shakespeare, Hamlet

There is no great genius without some touch of madness. Seneca

So foul a sky clears not without a storm. Shakespeare

Hatred is by far the longest of pleasures. Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. Lord Byron, Don Juan

How dreadful knowledge of the truth can be when there is no help in the truth. Sophocles, Oedipus Rex

Love is for poets. Connor MacCloud

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps the singing bird will come. Chinese proverb

Kill them all, let God sort them out. Merc Maxim

Beware of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in, bear it that the opposed may beware of thee. Shakespeare, Hamlet I:3

I cut it twice and it's still too short. Maurice H. Wilsey

We get our strength, not by never falling down, but by rising every time we fall.

Two eagles, tied together, though they have four wings they cannot fly.

Sit at peace on the river's bank. Your enemy's body will soon float by. Bushido Maxim

You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to.

Those who fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

Though he treads upon the tiger's tail, it does not bite him. I, Ching

There is a pleasure in being mad that none but madmen know.

Now I could drink hot blood . . . Shakespeare, Hamlet

It's what people know about themselves inside that make them afraid. Clint Eastwood, Play Misty for Me

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. Lau Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Wherever they burn books, they will also, in the end, burn people. Heinrich Heine

It doesn't have to be like this. All we need to do is make sure we keep talking. Stephen Hawking

It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. Christopher Society, motto

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. H.G. Wells

If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you. Elvira

Freedom is a beautiful woman who I'd rather sleep with in a pile of dung than sleep without her in a bed of silk. Martin C. Wilsey

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Niechitz

That which does not kill ME had better be able to run away damned fast. Alanna

I want to seize fate by the throat. Ludwig Van Beethoven

The condition upon which God has given liberty to man is eternal vigilance. John Philpot Curran

There is no genius without some touch of madness. Seneca

The lady doth protest too much, methinks. Shakespeare, Hamlet, 3:2

What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?

Someone who disagrees with you is not necessarily your enemy. Someone who agrees with you is not necessarily your friend. Tivar Moondragon

Youth and skill will never overcome old age and treachery.

Youth and skill will overcome age and treachery, but only if backed up with practice and guile.

Don't run, you'll only die tired.

God grand me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.

He who lives by the Sword, Dies by the Clothyard Shaft.

There is no sin greater than ignorance - Kipling

If not for the last minute, nothing would get done.

There are many intelligent lifeforms in the galaxy. They are all owned by cats.

Politicians prefer unarmed peasants.

First you pillage, THEN you burn!

The way to a man's heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more!

If it isn't fattening, it isn't food!

A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. Ah, Paradise!

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Some days, it's just not worth gnawing through the straps.

Humanity is the result of millions of years of evolution designed to produce a better Cat Servant.

Cats humor us because they know that their ancestors ate ours.

A mime is a wonderful thing to waste.

Any excuse to wear a sword is a good excuse.

Whatever you're doing, it's not as important as petting the cat.

When you have a bunch of clowns, you're going to have a circus.

No bird soars too high, if she soars with her own wings.

The cock that crows at the wrong time is killed. - Turkish

Old chains gall less than new.

Chains of gold are still chains.

When the fox preaches, beware of your geese.

With money you are a dragon; with no money, a worm. - Chinese

Rocky Mountain Oysters, Rock Tripe, all those things are euphemisms. Never eat a euphemism.

If they won't tell you what it is, you don't want to eat it! - Aryanhwy

The fish dies by its mouth. Portugese

Good advice is often annoying bad advice never is. French

Learn to sail in all winds. Italian

It's only natural for jackasses to bray.

Chickens don't praise their own soup.

Let your head be more than a funnel to your stomach. German

When the half-wit speaks, the brainless believe.

Love is like fog there is no mountain on which it does not rest. Hawaiian

The person afraid of bad luck will never know good. Russian

When money speaks, truth keeps silent. Russian

When you have children, you begin to understand what you owe your parents. Japanese

What children say, they have heard at home.

"Tomorrow" is often the busiest day of the week.

Everyone is good for something, even if only to serve as a bad example.

If you don't scale the mountain, you can't view the plains. Chinese

The fortress can only fall if it surrenders from within.

Success has many parents, but failure is an orphan.

God grant me a good sword and no use for it.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. Anything that can be pried loose is not nailed down.

Cats are intended to teach us than not everything in life has a function.

Getting a free kitten proves that you don't need money to get love.

If a fish is the movement of water embodied, given shape, then a cat is a diagram and pattern of subtle air.

Never try to out stubborn a cat.

Book lovers never go to bed alone.

Always proofread. You might have something out.

Some men would respect a woman's mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.

An insufficiently developed imagination is indistinguishable from stupidity.

Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born.

I don't know of a single problem that cannot be solved by ripping a hole in reality.

I write, therefore it is.

Luck is how the mediocre label the accomplishments of genius - Heinlein

You can't shake hands with a clenched fist. - Indira Gandhi

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. - Daniel J. Boorstin

If you happen upon the skull of a dragon, leave that place quickly. For whatever killed it may still be around . . .

When the cat comes to the mouse's Harvestfest, she's not there for cakes and ale.

A lie travels round the world while truth is putting its boots on. - French

The hardest thing about bathing a cat is scraping her off the ceiling.

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. -Chinese

"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it." - Jean De La Fontaine

It takes both the sun and the rain to make a rainbow.

If it's Tourist Season, why can't we shoot them?

History repeats itself because nobody listens.

Math and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive.

Learning makes people fit company for themselves.

Backup not found: - (A) bort - (R) etry - (P) anic

All I really want is the sun, the moon, and the stars.....

Do not ascribe your own motivations to others. At best, it will break your heart, at worst, get you dead.

The great charm of cats is their rampant egotism.

Feet keep your legs from fraying at the ends.

Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?

!!!DRIEW eb rehtar d'I ?lamron eb yhW

Write Long and Prosper

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The fire that melts butter hardens steel.

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