A day without sunshine is like, night

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal writing ideas from one person "plagiarism"; to steal from many, "research".

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night-gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Filthy Stinking Rich-Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair

I Speak Fluent Patriarchy But It's Not My Mother Tongue

Husband and Cat Lost-Reward for Cat

Be Nice to Your Children-They'll Pick Your Nursing Home

Husbands Should Come With Instructions"

Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This time

Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, you'll Still Go to St. Louis When You Die

I Want It All and I Want It Delivered

Life Is Hard; Then You Nap

Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam

Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same

I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man-I've Been Practicing Since 1943

Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton

Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt

Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes - Use Birth Control

60-Year-Old One Owner Needs Parts Make Offer

I Was Once a Millionaire But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards

If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees

A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic

That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink

I Yell Because I Care

If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There

Procrastinate Now

Rehab Is for Quitters

Re-Elect Nobody

(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"

My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse-He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse

My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts-Do You Want Fries With That?

When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape

Sleep with a Photographer and Watch Things Develop

Young at Heart-Slightly Older in Other Places"

(Over a sketch of the Titanic) "The Boat Sank. Get Over It"

I Didn't Drive My Husband Crazy-I Flew Him There-It Was Faster

Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups

(On a baby-size shirt) "Party-My Crib-Two A.M."

I Don't Suffer from Insanity-I'm a Carrier

Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15

El Nino Made Me Do It"

The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Car

Take the world as you find it....just leave it a better place

Born to Die, and enjoying the ride.

Finish Your Beer - There Are Sober People In China!

Cat - The Other White Meat!

Jesus Loves You - Everyone Else Thinks You're An Asshole!

Some People Are Alive Because It's Against The Law To Kill Them!

I'm Going Nucking Futs!

What Part Of www.KissMyAss.com Don't You Understand?

You Have The Right To Remain Silent So Shut The F#@k Up!

If I Gave A Shit, You'd Be The First Person I'd Give It To!

Fish Fear Me; Women Want Me!

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Welcome To Shit Creek - Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother!

Dilbert-isms

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

and the Best...

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Comedians' Best Lines, 1997

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
--Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
-Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
-Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
-A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
-Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
-Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
-Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
-Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
-Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
-Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
-Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
-Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
-Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
-David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
-Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
-Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."

Celeb Quotes:

I get so tired listening to one million dollars here, one million dollars there, it's so petty.
- - Imelda Marcos

Moses dragged us through the desert to the one place in the Middle East where there is no oil.
- - Golda Meir

I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.
- - Dolly Parton

Rock 'n Roll: The most brutal, ugly, desperate, vicious form of expression it has been my misfortune to hear.
- - Frank Sinatra

Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
--Frank Zappa

More normal Taglines:

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

...Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

...Windows 2000: You'll envy the dead!

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic,
but I can't prove it.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
But it uses up a thousand times the memory

The Meek shall inherit the earth..
...after we're through with it.
ALT: ...the rest of us shall escape to the stars

If a thing is worth doing
It would have been done already

Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.

HAM AND EGGS
A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE
So keep on going.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

JESUS LOVES YOU
It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

WELCOME TO UTAH
Set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Be nice to your kids.
They'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a husband can be hard.
In my case it was almost impossible.

JESUS IS COMING! Look Busy!

We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!

Two rights do not make a wrong.
They make an airplane.

MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT!

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of stock.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

George Carlin offers some things to think about in your spare time:

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream, or croutons?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

16. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?